Self-Sufficiency

Okay, I admit it – I’m already neglecting this project!  It’s been on my mind, for sure, but I kept putting it off.  I haven’t had my children very much in the past few weeks due to scheduling and the holidays (this year they’re with their father for Christmas) and I have been blaming it on this, but really, that’s a lame excuse.  If that’s the case, then I’m transferring responsibility for my fun and play from a man to my kids now.  I need to do this on my own.  I need to get out of my head.

I’ve been told for a long time that it is important to work on the capacity to meet your own needs; even as a child my father encouraged this.  And, I believe it – after a failed marriage, and other life experiences that have shown this to be true.  It is the basis for this whole Play project – I feel like I need to develop the capacity for spontaneous play and joy on my own and not depend upon a relationship, or even my kids, to bring this out in me.  I have also gone to see a very respected (and amazing) astrologer in the area that reinforced this to me and said that this is especially important for me on my path through life and where I’m headed.

A friend of mine posted this article by Rachael Vaughan on Facebook last weekend, which, on the surface, seems to contradict my belief in this.  Now, the article specifically talks about emotional self-sufficiency – not all of the other forms of self-sufficiency that I have been working on for so long.

“We are relational beings” she states, and yes, I 100% agree.  She says there’s no shame in feeling lonely when these needs for relationship are not being met, and there’s not.  And while this is the ideal scenario – that somebody would be there for us – at the same time, we need to meet these needs in ourselves at times.  Sometimes there’s nobody there to help make us feel better.  We need to be able to do this for ourselves and feel whole within ourselves.  This is why, I believe, it is important to develop these skill of emotional self-sufficiency and this is what my Play project is about.  And, depending upon another for something we want in our lives can be the recipe for co-dependence and unhealthy outcomes.

At the same time, I fully embrace the importance of having others in your life – I do want to find that great and healthy relationship that’s right for me; I enjoy my work most when I’m with or working with others (mostlyJ); I love my family and community; I couldn’t live without my kids.  I have really reached out to my friends and community for support during this time that I have been struggling, and they’ve reached out to me (for which I am so grateful).  I also notice that I am most satisfied when I am relating to others.

The more you give and take love, care, attention and contact with others, the happier and healthier you will be. So humans are naturally relational why has this meme [of emotional self sufficiency] taken such a hold? How did a meme based on avoidance become such a fervently held belief?

This meme is all about fear

We become avoidant because of fear. Sometimes people have been mean to us in the past and we carry the scars of that trauma—which makes us turn away from love because it has become twinned with the fear of betrayal. The far end of that avoidance response is the supreme isolation of schizoid personality disorder, or the lonely fearfulness of avoidant personality disorder. The near end is believing in the desirability of ‘meeting all of one’s own needs’. All of us have been betrayed at some point. So all of us harbor a little fear connected to the vulnerability of opening ourselves to love, and therefore this meme is seductive. But there’s another reason why it has taken hold, even though it’s one that goes against what makes us most healthy and happy.

The author seems to put all the blame for this belief system in emotional self-sufficiency on fear.  I recognize that it can come from this, but sometimes it’s also a practical need.

Fight the meme, my friends. We don’t need more self-reliance. Or more narcissistic focusing on ourselves. What we’re blocked in is our relationality: our readiness to receive and our willingness to give. We’ve become so infected with the values of the consumer society that we think we should only give if we’re going to get, and that we should try to get the most return for the least investment. God forbid we love someone more than they love us. Or give our love for free. We think we should provide for ourselves, because otherwise we’d be relying on someone else. And that means taking a risk without any guarantee. We’d rather hoard our own resources, and be all right, Jack. This is the attitude to life that has people in my office feeling both lonely as hell, and ashamed of it—they’ve been told it’s wrong to need people, and they’re scared that their normal attachment instincts are sick.

Instead of going inward and trying to meet your own needs, go outward and build yourself a robust network of relationships, a community of like-minded souls that you can laugh with, cry with, listen to, care for and love—the type of network that makes people in Roseto live longer. Then when the inevitable betrayals, bereavements and disappointments happen, you won’t be alone. You’ll have support. Because the truth is, no-one makes it alone. And no-one—unless they’re the sole survivor of a plane crash in a jungle—should even try.

Some good food for thought, for sure.  I think that it’s a balance – we can meet our own needs, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that we isolate ourselves either.  I’ve seen the results of someone isolating themselves, and it’s not a happy ending.  I think we can have a high-level of self-sufficiency, and at the same time have meaningful and satisfying relationships with others.  It’s not an either-or situation.

Meanwhile, I will be playing tomorrow – I’m going skiing!