Within the past three weeks I was informed that my job of two-and-a-half years would be ending in mid-January due to a lack of funding, and then I broke up with a man I had been dating because of the high stress level I was feeling from that, and then regretted it later. These two things have sent me into a mild depression, and with winter just starting, it does not help at all for me!
The wonderful thing about getting older is that we have more wisdom, and the one thing that I have noticed about this set of bumps in the road and my diminishing positive attitude is that I have much more awareness about it than I have ever had before during similar periods in the past. I have been picking it all apart – monitoring my attitude and feelings that seem to fluctuate wildly throughout the day and trying to assess what is causing it; having more awareness about how my body feels and its need for sleep; looking deeply inside of myself for ways to overcome all of this emotionally.
Now regarding the job challenges, I already have a plan, and a back-up plan: that’s how I work. I also have faith that things will turn out okay. But, fear does rear its head – some times more than others – and the faith melts away for some time. Regarding relationship challenges, I try to maintain the same faith, with the same results – at times feeling like I’ll never find the “right” man and at other times feeling that it will come one day and I need to be happy with where I am right now and make the most of it. I try to be at peace with everything and work on manifesting.
The other piece to all of this is the process of becoming an adult. Being an adult is no easy thing – especially when you’re a single mother, or when you’re married to a man that lets you take care of everything. Everything is on your shoulders, and this weight can become a burden and really weigh you down. After years and years of this, we can sometimes lose our sense of humor. We can forget how to play.
This is what has happened to me – to a point. I do go out with friends, go dancing, and/or have fun maybe once a week, and I’m thankful that I haven’t completely lost my sense of fun. But, what I’m finding is that it doesn’t sustain me enough; the rest of the week is so mundane and full of responsibilities and I find that when I’m with my kids I’m often a dud or a downer. I have also been losing my motivation and my sense of purpose.
One of the things that I really enjoyed about this most recent relationship was that he made me laugh. I felt this sense of lightness when I was with him and often, for a while, I forgot about all of the responsibilities that I had – and I loved that! In fact, many of the relationships that I’ve had since my divorce have been that way – they have been a source of escapism for me.
Because of this, and the good feelings this brings, I have thought to myself, “I need to be with a man that is light-hearted because I have a tendency to be so serious and I want someone to bring out that light-heartedness in me. I like that part of me and that’s what I want in my life, but I need someone else to get it.”
Now, anyone who has done any sort of therapy or self-help work would see this as a really big red flag – depending on someone else for something you want in your life rather than cultivating it on your own is not a sustainable approach to well-being. But, I didn’t see it clearly in this particular situation, until tonight. Tonight I came to the realization that I need to do this for myself – cultivate within myself a regular sense of play and joy in order to be happy and fulfilled.
So, I started Googling “Ways to bring back playfulness” and “Have fun as an adult” (You can imagine some of the search results!). And I came up with some really good ideas. I’ve kept a notebook for the last few years where I write down good ideas and quotes I come across, as well as especially significant thoughts of my own, so I dutifully wrote the most inspiring ideas for play in there. And now, I’m going to try out ways to bring more play and joy into my life on a daily basis.
This brings us to why I decided to start this blog. I wanted to try out some new ideas and practice some new thinking regarding play. While taking a bath (where I often have my most promising revelations!) I thought that blogging about my process with this experiment would serve many purposes: it would help me to stay on track and not lose sight of what I want to accomplish; it would allow me to record all of the results of my experiment; and it would allow me to share some of my experiences and maybe help others who could benefit from a similar practice.
I have decided that my practice for tomorrow will be with my kids, and when I pick them up from their grandparents, my focus will be with them. I’m going to enlist their help (Mommy needs to be taught how to play again – will you help me? ☺). We’ll see how it goes, and I’ll report back to you the wisdom of my 8 and 11 year olds!
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